Some days I find myself wandering into this space, just for that urge to type.
My life ain't fantastic and I think my circle of close friends are also pretty predictable.
I do wonder who I'm typing for and then I realised it's always for myself.
The background of the blog was done for my self-pleasure, the reason why I left it anonymous was for the sake of being anonymous and even though sometimes I avoid posting  in case it's gets to emotional or mushy,I think I should.

I love this space so much and I secretly wonder if blogger is going to grow old with me.
May the day comes and my don't even need to use my fingers to type before my arrays of thoughts appear on this screen, that would be pretty cool too.
I also secretly wonder if there's any anonymous people who never even met me in real person,or a friend whom I have yet spoken for the longest time, or my school colleague or anyone that cease to exist in my memories..I wonder if they read my blog.

Well after all that random musing I think I want to share my week

So I started on crafting, because I stumbled upon this lovely blog and it's really inspiring. The blogger is a mother and that makes me even more intrigued due to the nature of my job( not because I want to start on breastfeeding already)

The feather makes a unique gift as a room decoration, a bookmark or a card design. Go get some at ArtFriend (:

  And then, I got into making my bedroom a little more interesting but adding photos, cards, feathers and even more photos.
It's pretty Victorian-themed now and I think it's going to get better.

Needless to say,I had to spend my holiday baking!

I baked because the loaf hides the smell of the haze and I hope it is not all self-denial because I think they all taste pretty good to me. 

For-The-Gym-Rat Protein Loaf

2 cups almond flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

pinch of salt

2 eggs

1/2 cup greek yogurt (best bought at indian minimarts)

1/4 cup of honey(or lesser for the health freak)

2 teaspoon of lemon zest

1 cup of blueberries

Preheat oven 180 degrees Celsius

Combine dry ingredients.

In another bowl, beat eggs lightly.

Stir in honey, yougurt and zest.

Combine wet and dry ingredients. 

Gently fold in blueberries(make sure they don'y burst) into the batter.

Bake 30 minutes until golden brown.

Adapted from  Apple Lemon Honey Almond Cake

I think this makes a pretty good diet staple. It works better than crunches.

First recipe, maybe more to come.Maybe not.

The first 7 Days

"Happiness is just a state of mind."

1. Meals

 

          

The art of preparing food. Eating with gold plated spoons,chopping up ingredients from the most original form and buying food that you will never feel guilty indulging in.
No doubt this was the best part of my holidays. To stay home and whip up meals like a nigga housewife and behave like an amateur photographer.


2. Time-out

 

Just me,myself and my shopping bags.
Going for a bowl of Simon and Garfunkel, buying things on my list,stopping by for a cup of Yami Yogurt, visiting the nail parlour and ending the day with a roll of popiah.
I love doting on myself and I don't think that will ever change.
So it's either working harder or just, working harder.

3. Buying treats

                    

Visited Tim Ho Wan with my Mum and PJ last weekend and we found it rather disappointing. 

The poor boy had to queue for an hour and the service procedures there was pretty inflexible.

Other than the 'BBQ pork bun' and  the 'spinach garlic dumpling', all the other food tasted rather mediocre to me.

I'm not exactly very carnivorous so if I had a choice, I would definitely go for Swee Choon.

Their egg tarts and custard buns are very much more satisfying than Tim Ho Wan's limited menu screaming shrimp and pork meat.

Not to mention, the meal wasn't exactly pocket-friendly.

4. Celebration

Opportunities where everyone would make time to mingle around and talk about how puberty changed us, and our thinking.
I certainly enjoyed looking at everyone all dressed up and looking good (:

5. Family time

 
Though not a fan of animals, I was pretty fascinated by the amount of sea creatures that I got to read about.
The whole journey lasted for a good 3 hours and it was definitely quality family bonding time.
Good place for grandparents to visit.....................
My grandfather: " This fish is gonna taste good fried, This... steamed."
"Oh that, the fish used in nasi lemak.."
Certainly unexpected but very adorable of him (:


Now, I'm feeling quite blessed typing in my room and hiding from the terrible haze outside.
Going to give my wardrobe a new look.
Will be back soon


xx

Adulthood

Everything just seems harder when you get older.
More responsibilities, more priorities, more planning and more temptations.
Some days when I'm my weakest, I see no joy in being independent and I see no joy in working so hard for myself.
Jealously sets in and disgustingly, I compare myself to them. Wondering how they can ask for money so easy and grow up without holding any part-time jobs to fend for their 'wants.'
So wrong, so helpless.

It tires me. The constant worries about how I am going to afford to pay for so many celebratory presents, how I make myself walk from places to places so my transport expenses would go down and how guilty I feel when I purchase a cup of yogurt or a bikini which are 'wants' and not exactly a 'need'.
It shouldn't be this way. Growing up shouldn't be this tough. You tell me to be satisfied with my life, to be pleased and  thankful with what I have. You tell me not to feel jealous of my friends, who are travelling around the world and have never work hard enough to buy their own clothes.
You tell me that you should lower your expectations in life and learn to be satisfied. I think I am, but I'm so afraid that I am not able to satisfy people around me.

People whom I want to buy houses for, people whom I want bring to beautiful cafes and people whom have their birthdays once a year.

So please tell me, how I can be better, be better than my expectations for myself.

Dear mum,

Life is, fragile.

It seems like the older I get, the clearer the world.

Reality eats up my courage and on some days I just get panic attacks.

Symptoms that were always there becomes a big hoo-ha to me,

and I cringed reading words like 'cancer' and hearing my kins getting diseases.

True enough, it's always important to pay close attention to health but most days it's hard to nag at someone's ears telling them to eat healthily because ironically,I am a strong believer of  'yolo'.

I guess today is a wake-up call for me.

Looking at how weak you are reminded me that I should have long nagged at you for eating ice-cream every night, for all the nights you had fast food because I wasn't at home to buy you food. For not reminding you to chew your food properly and for not being able to buy new dentures for you.

It's so ironic that I eat way healthier than you and I take care of myself way too much.

You are always giving me your vegetables in exchange for that piece of fried meat in my bowl, you are always stuffing food that I can't finish because you don't want to waste food yet I always brushed it with little concerns. 

You are such an amazing person, such an amazing mother.

It's time I do something. To make you stronger, like before.

week-ends

               

If anyone is going to ask me about you,
I'm going to say that you are a really,really good man.
I am going to blush and think about how we are always making jokes out of one another.
 I am going to think about the bus rides where we will act and talk so loudly unconsciously. 
I am going to think of the Fridays we spent together.
I am going to think about roaming Joo Chiat and taking detours.
I am going to think about the train rides and how we discreetly display affection. 
I am going to think about nine-thirty.
I am going to think about how you talked about me.
I am going to think about the way you held me on the sofa.
I am going to think about you.

If anyone is going to ask me about you,
I am going say that you are the soul of my life.
I am going to think about the pencil case you gave me as a 'good luck' token before I enter school.
I am going to think about the daily phone calls.
I am going to think about the fruits,salmon and vegetables you stock up in the fridge for me.
I am going think about how you change your taste-buds and bought the wholemeal vermicelli because you know I am fussy like that.
I am going to think about you.

If anyone is going to ask me about them,
I am going to say that they are the ones that will stay.
I am going to think about the 'shiok' maki.
I am going to think about how we bitch about other people at dinner.
I am going to think about the train ride and long conversations.
I am going to think about how we are together to compliment each other's day.
I am going to think about them.

HELLO NIE

It's been such a long time since I felt anticipation, happiness, fear, accomplishment and an overflowing sense of relief.

Because....

Thinking back, i realised that embarking on this journey has been a tough decision.

Other than considering the amount of years I have to be bonded with NIE, I constantly worry that the intake would be delayed, my chances of studying might be ruin, the stressful lesson observations are not up to standard and  the fact that I really don't wish to 'wasted' another year to qualify for another diploma course.

But i finally got through it. *punches fist in the air*

For the first time in my life, I'm actually proud of myself. I didn't need the help of any tuition teacher to push me through, I didn't need to waste any of my mother's saving and I proved it to myself that I could make an impact. 

Today, I had a really heart-warming parents-teacher-meeting. Parents who knew that I'm leaving came up to tell me how I made a huge impact in their children's life. Parents who told me that their children questioned them about my decisions. 

They were beautiful strangers who were speaking words of encouragement and it made me so motivated to work harder so that I would come back stronger and better.

Never in my life did I receive so much compliments from strangers who are telling me they appreciate my presence. Never in my life did I expect myself, an academically-inclined person to be able to teach and have the chance to educate young lives.

"Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end, it always ends up the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn ad grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel,always. Be you, and be okay with it."

Life is about take plunges and making new choices. They may end up in a beautiful dream, or a painful mess.

Eventually we grow with them, we learn and we gain wisdom. 

Just don't forget to put on your life vest (:

The call.

'So....Which part of you isn't good enough?' 

Usually,I don't think it would take me long to come up with an answer. Today, it didn't feel that way. 

I had to struggle with my answers. I had to process what I wanted to say a couple of times.

Hesitating I lied, " Not rich, Not skinny enough, Not pretty enough, Not...." 

It just dawned on me that I finally think I'm good enough. It took me quite long to figure that out but I think I am. 

I'm good enough for being able-bodied, I am good enough to be blessed with my senses and an appetite to eat. I'm good enough being healthy and strong. I'm good enough,poor.

There are definitely mornings where I will look into the mirror and start squeezing my tummy, thinking how I should start running 10km/day to lose all that jiggle, times when some insensitive bastards would make me feel like I am nothing worth a look at, times when I scroll through tumblr and wished I was the girl who could eat muffins all day long and  have Miranda kerr's body.

But they are almost gone. Most days i wake up embracing my body. Most days I don't really get affected if people are going to judge how I really look like. Most days I think about why beautiful people out there are still searching for flaws within themselves. 

I learnt that instead of shaming myself using the social media, I could just accept or change my thinking. Change, to become a more confident woman and not because society deemed that I should wear New Balances to fit into the crowd.

Change,for my health and happiness.
Accept, because no one is always given what they wished for and people are all made into different faces and sizes to contribute to the society in  many different and meaningful ways.

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”